Baby Steps in Sky High Heels

A few months ago, a nice gentleman from this website contacted me and asked me if I'd be willing to write a monthly column for the site. Something with a bit of a personal perspective. Something that might add to the Suddenly Fem experience. Now, I like to write. And I love attention (ask any of my friends). So without really thinking it over, I said, "Yes."

Silly me. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I've been dressing for about seven years now - give or take a few years due to the time when I freaked out, swore off dressing, and tossed all my clothes in the trash. But for the most part, I think I've been making some progress in my feminization process. I'm getting out in the world. I'm getting more comfortable in my own skin. So by this point, I should know a little bit about girlworld. About dressing. About style. About important political issues facing the transgender community.

Um. Well. Actually. It seems. I don't.

"Don't worry," said the gentleman who hired me. "Just throw in some tips on how to do make-up. Or how to lace up a corset. Things like that."

That's when I really freaked. I have no idea how to lace a corset. And I'm still struggling with my make-up. I'm not the kind of person who can answer questions like that. I'm the kind of person who goes online to search for answers to questions like that! (To be honest, my best solution for both of those questions would be, "Have a friend do it!") So I was forced to face the awful truth. I have no business writing a column like this. I'm just not an expert.

Then it hit me. That's when I accidentally stumbled upon the overriding theme for this column. I won't present myself as an expert. Instead, I'll present myself as a girl who's a lot like the typical reader. A lot like you.

Does this sound familiar? Am I still straight? Am I bi? If I like other T-Girls, am I a lesbian? What if my family finds out? What if my girlfriend finds out? Oh my god, what if my Mother finds out? Do I have to leave the closet? Do I have to tell my wife? Do I have to shave my legs? Can I still wear shorts in the summer? Is it autumn yet? Will everyone at work notice that I pluck my eyebrows? Is this too much make-up? Or is not enough? Will the girls at the MAC counter really be nice to me? Will the salesgirls at the mall realize that my wife doesn't have size 12 feet? And what if I get pulled over by the cops? And finally, how can I focus when I have all these questions zipping around my brain all at the same time -- while I'm on deadline at work, my wife is on the phone, and I still have to get the kids to soccer practice by 6:00?

It's not an easy life, is it? But we're doing it. If you're reading this column, I'm going to assume that you're a dresser of some sort. That you enjoy wearing ladies clothes. And you're hoping to get better at it. Well, that's exactly what I'm doing.

For years when I was online, people would ask me how I was doing. Had I gone out yet? Had I dated yet? Had I had sex as a woman yet? (People online can get pretty personal.) Any way, I gave them all the same answer. I told them I was progressing, but that I was going slowly. I was taking baby steps. Baby steps in sky high heels.

And I'm still doing it. And I'll bet you are too. So where are you in the process? Are you dressing head-to-toe? Or do you just do panties and nylons? Have you bought your first wig yet? Have you bought your first pair of heels? How big is your make-up collection? Or maybe you've started going out. Maybe you've shared your secret with friends or loved ones. Maybe you're even thinking about going full-time. Or transitioning through hormones or surgery.

The point is. We're all at different levels here. We all have different goals. But we're all wondering the same exact thing: "Where does this all lead? Where does this all end?" And that, my sisters, is a question I just can't answer for you. And I couldn't answer it even if I was the top expert in the field. But I can give you my opinion.

This never ends. There is no finish line. You may never come out of the closet. You may never be anything more than a cyber girl. On the other hand, maybe you'll end up having SRS surgery and becoming a brand new woman with a brand new drivers' license to prove it. It's all waiting for you. You just have to decide what "it" is. There are so many options available to you now. So many ways to express your "T."

And that's what I'm going to write about. The problems and the possibilities. The fears and the fantasies. The hopes and the hopelessness. Just don't ever think of me as an expert. Because I'm not. Nope. I'm right here next to you. Taking my baby steps. In a brand new pair of really killer sky high heels.

Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy.
xoxoxo,
CiCi